


love making

by TheDisappearingAct



Category: Big Little Lies (TV), Big Little Lies - Liane Moriarty
Genre: F/M, Gen, as usual rape dv tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-15
Updated: 2019-10-15
Packaged: 2020-12-16 14:30:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,136
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21037757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheDisappearingAct/pseuds/TheDisappearingAct
Summary: The issue with coping mechanisms is that they stem from place you don't necessarily want to face.





	love making

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I have never been to therapy.

Celeste sat on the soft brown couch across from Dr. Reisman. Dr. Reisman was a couples counselor, yet Celeste found that she was the only person she could talk to. Opening up to an entirely new stranger seemed to emotionally daunting at the moment, despite Dr. Reisman's advice. 

"I think we should address the elephant in the room." Dr. Reisman started. 

Celeste laughed. "I thought we had discussed every elephant we possibly could." She had poured out her heart and soul in this couch. 

"Last session we discussed how you were dating again."

"If you call that dating." Celeste had been meeting men but she really had no romantic desire for them. What Celeste wanted with them was purely sexual. She just needed to be touched, to be held. Nothing more. 

"What would you call it?" asked Dr. Reisman. 

"One night stands." Celeste blushed. Of all her confessions, this one was the one that made her blush?

"And how do these 'one night stands' usually go?" 

"I meet up with a man, at a bar or something, and we just hit it off. One thing leads to another... I don't think I really need to elaborate."

"How is the sex?" 

Celeste blushed brighter. She was sure her cheeks were flaming. "It's... fine. It's good."

Dr. Reisman tilted her head, waiting for her to elaborate. 

"It is a bit... physical."

"Physical?" questioned Dr. Reisman 

"Aggressive." Celeste replied, clasping her hands. "Rough sex is just a preference though. I've always preferred it."

"And all of this is consensual?"

"Of course, of course." Celeste added quickly. "If anything, I'm the one initiating half of these... _encounters_." 

Dr. Reisman looked at her and sighed. "Celeste, I know I've asked this before but I think we should revisit it." She paused. "Did Perry ever rape you?"

"No, no. Of course not." Celeste replied. "Perry was aggressive and controlling and yes, it came through during sex but we _both _were."

Once again, Dr. Reisman said nothing and waited for her to elaborate. 

Celeste had always felt strange about this question. Just a few months ago Jane had asked the same thing and Celeste had replied with the same soft but definite _no_. It's not that Celeste felt like Perry wasn't capable of rape, obviously she knew he was, it was that she just didn't feel like she was capable of being a victim. Perry's physicality during sex was one of the reasons she was attracted to him for god's sake. Even if she was sometimes hesitant he knew her- her body well enough to convince her. She was almost always a willing participant. 

Yet, Celeste couldn't shrug off certain instances. Times when she felt she was just placating him. He never _forced_ her to do anything. She had never said no. She just found no reason to. Despite the both of them being so aggressive, the act was... tender. But sometimes he would pin her hands underneath his weight, not unusual for them, and she would feel like he was just _taking. _That she was being _taken. _

But she had never refused. Never told him to stop. She didn't even know what the consequences would have been if she had told him. Asked him. 

"Celeste?" 

Celeste looked up. Dr. Reisman was waiting for her, an expression of concern hidden beneath her tight lipped smile. 

"As I said before, I don't believe Perry ever raped me." She crossed her legs, The room suddenly felt much colder. 

"Celeste, did he ever force you to have sex with him?"

"No." 

"Did you ever have sex with him when you did not want to?" 

Celeste sighed. "I mean there were times I wasn't really into it but that's married life isn't it? You do small things to make the other person happy." 

Dr. Reisman furrowed her brow. "Were you ever afraid when you two were having sex?"

Celeste gritted her teeth, chose her words carefully. "If I was ever afraid, which was rarely, it was because I was afraid of what might happen after."

"What do you mean by that?" asked Dr. Reisman. 

Celeste looked down and rubbed her hands together "Sometimes, I felt like I was having sex with him just so that he wouldn't hit me. But even then I felt like I was pushing away the inevitable. Eventually his- his _needs _wouldn't be enough to distract him. His anger would take control of him. Sex, at times, was just away to put that off." 

"Are you saying that you sometimes had sex with him because you believed he would hurt you if you didn't?"

"He wouldn't hurt me _because _we weren't having-"

"Celeste, please answer the question."

Celeste bit her lip. "Yes."

It was with that admittal that Celeste saw what Dr. Reisman was seeing. You didn't have to be a lawyer to understand quid pro quo. It was strangely funny how her and Perry's relationship seemed to be made up of a little transactions. Little tradeoffs. Except Celeste was constantly giving things up to get the most basic rights back. Her role as a parent. A bruise free body. 

"You had sex with Perry, even when you didn't want to, because in exchange he wouldn't hurt you. You would put off his violence for a little bit by giving into his desires." Dr. Reisman stated. "That's coercion Celeste."

"I don't think he was aware of it."

"Aware or not, it was still abuse." Dr. Reisman leaned forward, the chair creaking underneath her. "Celeste, to begin the healing process you have to believe that these things happened. You can not live in denial. I know you know that."

Celeste did know that. But it was difficult to come to terms with such things. She felt like she was looking at her own life from a two way mirror. There was Celeste, or Celeste's body, sitting in the old sofa in the therapist's room, and there was Celeste looking over her. She felt torn in two.

"Now everyone has different coping mechanisms but I don't think these _one night stands _are necessarily healthy, Celeste. You're in an emotionally vulnerable state and these may be doing more harm than good to your mental well being." 

Celeste nodded faintly. 

"I think you need to give yourself time to reflect. To come to terms with what has happened and is happening with you. I'm not sating don't date, just don't use it as a distraction. And don't let these feeling fester. Talk to people. It will do you a lot of good." Dr. Reisman checked her watch. "Our time is up. I'll be seeing you next Thursday, correct?"

Celeste got up. "Yes, thank you." She left briskly with her mind reeling. She felt... softer. Smaller. Like she just needed to be held. But Celeste also felt lighter. 


End file.
